Kundalini Schmundalini

Sans white robes and fresh out of clean headwraps, I decided to explore Kundalini yoga.

"The yoga of enlightenment," it's called, with a deeper connection to divinity.

I ordered a DVD online by Maya Fiennes. Upon reading the description, I knew this form of yoga was going to be rather different than that to which I had become accustomed: We were going to detoxify and strengthen my kidneys and adrenals. Really? Okay, why not. I mean, Deepak Chopra gave gave her a shout out on the back cover. It must be good. 

I warned my baseball-playing, sports-writing boyfriend. "Babe, I'm going to strengthen my kidneys now." He went upstairs. Good. Free to strengthen my kidneys without judgment.

A few minutes in, Maya announced that the next breathing technique may make me feel light-headed. She's kidding right? I do yoga to decrease the feelings of hyperventilation in my life! 

The nursing student in me started running down the metabolic consequences of breathing that quickly. The thought of respiratory alkalosis was too much. I switched off the DVD, and followed the trail of expectorated sunflower seeds upstairs to tell my boyfriend that he could come out of hiding.

Some months later, I became interested in Kundalini again. Instead of jumping in head first with Maya Fiennes, I decided to research the topic to discover what the real, proven benefits of the practice are.

The result of this research was as amorphous and "fruity" as that first DVD experience. Websites discuss the "incredible benefits" taking you to your "highest peak" and "core of your being."  

Ex-squeeze me?

It's said that there are 22 types of yoga in the world, and only after mastering the first 21, is one ready for Kundalini.

So, it's an exclusive club. I get it. It seems, though, the DVDs shouldn't be available for the speak-easy that is Kundalini if it is, in fact, so exclusive that the effects cannot even be specifically discussed in a forum as public as the internet.

Does this make Maya Fiennes a rogue yogi?

In any case, I'm probably not ready for Kundalini. My kidneys will remain uncleansed, my adrenals unbalanced, my third eye crossed.

But, really, what's with the secrecy? Because I don't hyperventilate for sport.